The Daily Writes

Increasing Font Size

by

I type in 12-point font and it seems impossibly small. In the last few days I’ve started to wonder, was it always that small? When did I start blowing up the documents I read to 125% or upping the font size to 14 points?

This isn’t the only thing that I marvel at these days. I look in the mirror sometimes, expecting to see myself as my mental image, only to notice that the bags a little bigger under my eyes. The streaks at my temples, which I like, are not highlights but actual full length gray hair. It used to be that I could indulge in treats or wine and bounce back relatively quickly but now it seems as though a cupcake immediately puffs my belly out and one glass of wine has me up from 2 – 4 am.

I am getting older. At 44 I can no longer deny that fact. I’ve never been bashful about my age, or reluctant to say it, but at least three times in the past six months I’ve fudged and said 43.

Honestly, I am okay with many of the changes. I feel that some of the visible markers are a badge, showing a life well lived and a woman in motion.

But there is the undeniable fact that I still feel young. I watch my nieces, or the young people I see and I feel like I am their age. It is the most bizarre thing, the reverse of an out of body experience. I am very much in my body and my brain thinks I am 35. But when I look out I see that things are changing.

I go boldly into the future and will continue to monitor the progress of time as it marks my body and my endurance. It will also mark my tolerance and my priorities, making me less willing to put up with shit and more resolute about spending time with those I care about most.

 

 

 

Involuntary Spasms

by

I am afraid of heights. My gut clenches when I stand near a ledge or even when I see something high on TV. I tell my husband that one never knows when they may have an involuntary body spasm and accidentally throw themselves from a high space.

He used to laugh at this but as we watch our son grow, he realizes that there is some credibility to my theory. Our son regularly experiences these types of spasms. He will be standing or walking and all of a sudden, he will fall over or jerk around and lose his balance, a daily example of involuntary body spasms.

I realized recently that there are also involuntary bouts of insecurity. Usually these come at a certain time in the month. But I now believe they can be as random as involuntary body spasms.

Questions that I would normally consider stupid come out of the blue. “I wonder if my new friend really likes me” or, “ Did I seem too pushy in that email?” After quick mental calculations, and a scan of how the day is going, I decide my brain is having a spasm.

My son looks at me sometimes when he is crying, I can tell he is waiting to see how I will respond or comfort him. Depending on the situation, I will likely look at him and say, “I know buddy, this stinks. Let it out, tell me how you feel.” I do this so he can cry his way through his feelings. This is the way to handle involuntary bouts of insecurity. Let them run amok for awhile and they will likely pass.

You may get a fish head

by

You may get a fish head. And if you do, the dead fish eye will look at you while you eat. This was my thought last night while on a date with my husband for his birthday. We went to our favorite sushi spot and sat at the bar. Because this was a special occasion we gave the chef a few simple parameters (shellfish allergy, no monk fish liver) and asked him to just pick his favorites.

It feels slightly shocking to write this, but sometimes I like to let go of control. On a scale of control freaks, I consider myself around a seven. Of course, that is an average. I can roll with a lot of plans and decisions, which would put me at about a three. But other things, like decisions relating to food when I am hungry or to my child, then I’m a 10.

Regardless, sometimes it is nice to open things up like we do when we go out to sushi. And most of the time we are pleasantly surprised at the culinary delights we experience. Last night was not one of those nights. We did eat a lot of beautiful fish, but some of it just got too…fishy. And in an attempt to do something special, most of our meal came served on the inside of a fish skeleton, with the large head and eye sticking up. I swear that thing was staring at me all night.

Abandon when it comes to certain things can be great. But then again, it may result in a fish head.

Bringing back the garage

by

We’re bringing back the garage. In February, we moved our little family from a modern condo on the 7th floor of a downtown building to a single-family home in a quiet neighborhood. It is an adjustment, although we have now fully embraced the “city suburbs”.

We find ourselves enjoying the house, but the room that gets the most use is the garage. We’ve converted the garage into a playroom, tool shop, and adult hang out. We even went so far as to purchase chairs with flip up side tables and drink holders.

The garage door is open often, with us listening to retro music and playing with Luke. Friends come by and we bring the food and drinks down. We have dinner parties, in the garage.

The garage makes community building easier. It harkens back to a simpler time. Every time we have a drink I want to grab a plastic tumbler or a watery beer. We have a garage boom box that doesn’t have a CD player or a USB port (part of what I love about it). IF it did I’d pop in a Van Halen or Bon Jovi Greatest Hits album and all would be right with the world.

My Real Self

by

I have vacation brain and it is great. I took one week off, for the first time in four years, and I have been pleasantly surprised to get reacquainted with my real self. My real self looks something like this:

My real self feels balanced often. Not most of the time but at least a few times a day.

My real self breathes in and out during the day, at a regular pace. I can feel myself breathing on vacation, and it feels good.

My real self has creative thoughts about the future and a million writing ideas.

My real self looks at my hectic, regular self with wonder. How do I get like that and why don’t I stop?

My real self is waaaaay sweeter to my husband, and more energetic with my son.

My real self is awesome. How can I get her to show up more often?