The Daily Writes

The Cleanse

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Earlier this week I started a cleanse program. Note, this was not a fast, but something I wanted to do to clean out the system a bit and hit the physical and mental reset button.

Working with my acupuncturist, I geared up and was ready with a diet of mostly veggies and lean meat, no booze, caffeine, sugar, grains, really just veggies and meat. For 21 days. My dear husband wanted to do it with me so we prepared together.

Combined with the restricted food, there were supplements, meant to support the body and assist with ridding oneself of toxins. All food based and not a big deal for 21 days.

We launched on Monday, feeling ready to go through the withdrawals, the irritation and come out on the other side feeling healthier. It all went well for most of the day, but around 4 pm I started to realize that things were headed south in a big way.

I can only liken the following five hours to the worst hangovers I’ve had in my life. I couldn’t stand or open my mouth for fear of being sick. The bathroom floor looked surprisingly comforting to me, I didn’t want to move much. The reaction was unexpected and violent and after it was over I aborted the cleanse mission, at least the supplement part.

Those who know me know I am crazy in the head about my body and weight. I keep it at bay most of the time and have improved over the years but it will always be an issue. While sick on Monday, I wondered about the lengths I would go to feel good about myself. And also wondered if age and maturity may mellow me out.

The good news is that I think I am smarter than I was five years ago. Still not normal but then again that is way too aspirational for someone like me.

Involuntary Spasms

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I am afraid of heights. My gut clenches when I stand near a ledge or even when I see something high on TV. I tell my husband that one never knows when they may have an involuntary body spasm and accidentally throw themselves from a high space.

He used to laugh at this but as we watch our son grow, he realizes that there is some credibility to my theory. Our son regularly experiences these types of spasms. He will be standing or walking and all of a sudden, he will fall over or jerk around and lose his balance, a daily example of involuntary body spasms.

I realized recently that there are also involuntary bouts of insecurity. Usually these come at a certain time in the month. But I now believe they can be as random as involuntary body spasms.

Questions that I would normally consider stupid come out of the blue. “I wonder if my new friend really likes me” or, “ Did I seem too pushy in that email?” After quick mental calculations, and a scan of how the day is going, I decide my brain is having a spasm.

My son looks at me sometimes when he is crying, I can tell he is waiting to see how I will respond or comfort him. Depending on the situation, I will likely look at him and say, “I know buddy, this stinks. Let it out, tell me how you feel.” I do this so he can cry his way through his feelings. This is the way to handle involuntary bouts of insecurity. Let them run amok for awhile and they will likely pass.

Keep Kicking The Piñata Girl

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My hairstylist is a gem. He regularly dispenses pearls of wisdom in a way only he can.

Years ago he counseled me to get out there with my writing. He gave me such an inspired pep talk, that I went out and signed up for a writing class with my AWESOME writing coach, The Sexy Grammarian.

I saw him again yesterday and told him I write down some of the genius he spews while creating magic on my head. My favorite is “Keep kicking the piñata girl, candy is going to fall out!”

Yesterday I also shared with him that ever since launching my blog, I’m struggling with writers block. My inner critic is on full alert, wondering with everything I write, “Why would anyone want to read this?” Perhaps I’m trying too hard; blog stage fright. He said, “Honey, listen, if you have to, just close the curtain. Get comfortable behind the scenes and open it back up when you are ready.”

I love his advice, but after considering this I think I’m going to keep the curtain open. Shut up inner critic, you’re old and useless to me now. I have arrived and I’m only interested in going for it.

The Junkyard Dog

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I had an excellent therapist several years back. She helped me through a very difficult time in my life. We talked about my perpetual single state, the challenges of having a high powered career, the difficulties of unraveling pent up feelings regarding my parents bad marriage. And of course, the anxiety that accompanied all of it.

We did a lot of visualizing and during one meeting we put a form to the anxiety to see if we could deflate the feelings a bit. With my eyes closed I imagined a junkyard dog. It was gruesome to look at and fierce in behavior. Did you see Cujo? This dog was like that but worse. We didn’t stop at the visual, we went on to identify the characteristics of the beast. It was tenacious, aggressive, relentless and mad as all hell. It was one nasty animal.

Immediately I remember saying, “Let’s kill it,” thinking that the mental destruction of this dog would eliminate some of the anxiety in my life at the time. “No,” my therapist said. “You cannot kill this dog. Scary as it is the dog is here to stay. You need to figure out a way to deal with it.”

This stayed with me. I realized that I will never eliminate the anxiety in my life and that it will likely be something I struggle with in varying degrees until I die. But it was powerful somehow to acknowledge that. To understand that I could feel it, work with and live with it.

It’s probably been a decade since that meeting and I can still see my junkyard dog clear as day. It is still one nasty, miserable creature, but occasionally I can get him to sit, or stop barking. Or on particularly good days, to go to some far corner of the junkyard and leave me in peace.

Oh shit. It’s Anxiety.

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For most of my adult life I have said, “I’ll need to work when I get married and have kids, otherwise I’d make everyone crazy.” I’ve always been busy and have cited an intense brain as the reason for this.

I am intense, and have a very driven personality. I was raised in a hard working, middle class family and had to earn money if I wanted any. But all this aside, the drive behind this effort, and my desire to always work, has been the fact that I’m just busy in the brain.

Last week, while going through my mental checklist around 3 am, I was struck by a truth. You know how sometimes voices come out of the blue and clarity emerges? I heard in my mind, “It’s anxiety. That’s the reason you have to keep busy. Mom of one or two. Busy career professional or not. You can’t not be busy because your mind will eat you alive.” Translation, anxiety will eat me alive.

Shit. I know I struggle with anxiety. It’s part of the fabric of who I am and I don’t deny it. But it never occurred to me that this was the driver behind how I live. This means that if I can tackle the anxiety in a more effective way, I could change the landscape of the rest of my life. Imagine the choices I could make without that monkey on my shoulder. Actually, its a bit more like an elephant with teeth.

My best friend of 30 years will read this and smile and say, “Duh T, did you really not realize this?” And the answer would be no, I didn’t. At least not with this clarity.

So now I wonder, can I do anything with this realization? For now my answer is not really. Writing maybe.